How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
