Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Drunk is a universal language darling
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
