Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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