I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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