I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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