too bad you live with your parents still
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
