I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm too high and old for this...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
