matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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