my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i now understand why vodka
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
