I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
