you would pick up someone in the library
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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