Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
