found the other keg... it's in the tree
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
