Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
