So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
