I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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