Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize