Just fell off a train. Bad.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
