Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
