i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
