Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
