So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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