There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
