fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
