where am i from again
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
