Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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