WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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