I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
someone owes me an orgasm
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
