the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
