I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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