after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
