What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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