This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
