Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
