I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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