Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
