dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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