You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
there's paper in my vomit.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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