Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
