The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
