she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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