We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize