She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
