at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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