My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
