In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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