I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
did i just pee glitter
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