Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
