We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's no shave November. This is our time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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