I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
