Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
