There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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