i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
