I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
