can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
