i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
