Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
worst night to have a conscience
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
