I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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