Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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