I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
