So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
