i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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